


Prologue: Thirsty?

by EllohriaEllihse, nightflower_panda



Series: Porcelain Phallacies [1]
Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Bromance, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Flirting, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Humor, Idiots in Love, Innuendo, M/M, Mutual Pining, Questionable items of pottery, Romance? Lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:53:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26189038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EllohriaEllihse/pseuds/EllohriaEllihse, https://archiveofourown.org/users/nightflower_panda/pseuds/nightflower_panda
Summary: Yes, everyone is just a little bit thirsty.Fortunately, Noct comes across the perfect (novelty) mugs to help with that.
Relationships: Gladiolus Amicitia & Ignis Scientia, Gladiolus Amicitia/Noctis Lucis Caelum, Prompto Argentum & Noctis Lucis Caelum
Series: Porcelain Phallacies [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1903486
Comments: 9
Kudos: 25





	1. Hairline Fracture

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you, Ellohria, for always inspiring me. Even if the results are ridiculous. 🤣

"Noct…" Prompto folds his arms, slightly amused if not confused. "Your hair looks fine."

"Yeah?" Noctis runs both hands forwards over his scalp again, eyes fixed upon the mirror, before twirling his bangs between his fingers so they fall in a perfect cross in between his eyes. "Just gimme another minute."

Prompto sighs dramatically.

"Seriously? We've been here ages already, man. Where you off to that you gotta look so good for? Don't tell me," Prompto presses a hand to his chest in mock surprise, "the Prince has got a hot date?!" 

"No…" Noctis scoffs, finally straightening up again. "I've got training."

"With Gladio?" Prompto smirks.

"No-one else," Noctis shrugs, leading them out from the school bathrooms.

"I er… thought you guys got all hot and sweaty during training," Prompto hums, not nearly as innocent as he's trying to sound. "Seems a bit odd for you to spend so long fixing yourself up beforehand…"

"...I've got standards," Noctis replies matter-of-factly, then changes the subject as they near the building's exit. "Anyway, Iggy should be waiting outside with the car. You want a lift?" 

"Sure!" Prompto enthuses, pulling Noctis into a hug, one arm wrapped loosely around his neck.

However, the one to meet them, leaning against the car with his attention on his phone, isn't Ignis. 

Instead, it's 6'6" of pure muscle, cropped brown hair and amber eyes - wearing a pair of tight leather pants and an even tighter tank top, showcasing his biceps in the late afternoon sun.

Noctis pauses in his tracks, clearly surprised, and Prompto follows the Prince's gaze up towards the older man.

"What'd I say…" the blonde breathes into his ear, just loud enough for Noctis to hear. "Hot. Date."

"Shut up!" Noctis half glares, shrugging Prompto's arm off him. "We're not dating."

"Guy's still hot," Prompto teases, but is surprised to see the tips of Noctis' ears turn red at the statement.

"Hey," Noctis marches towards his Shield, pointedly ignoring his classmate now. "Wasn't expecting you to pick me up."

"Hey," Gladio lifts his head with a smile, putting his phone away. "Iggy had some unexpected work thrust at him, so I said I'd just meet ya here myself. Got a problem with me _picking you up_?" the taller man looks Noctis up and down with a raised eyebrow and cocky grin.

"Never," Noctis returns the gesture - and Prompto can't help but raise an eyebrow of his own at the obvious flirting between them both.

Gladio opens the car's rear door, nodding a greeting to Prompto as he does so.

"Come on then, Princess. In you get."

Then he walks round to the driver's side to open his own door and climb in.

" _Princess_?" Prompto hisses, catching Noctis by the elbow before he can climb inside, too. "You let him call you _'Princess'_??" 

"It's not a big deal," Noctis whispers back through gritted teeth.

But it is. Prompto knows it is.

He gasps, realisation settling in place.

"You _like_ him, don't you!" 

"Shut up, Prom, and get in the damn car!" Noctis whips his head round at his friend looking positively scandalised - his cheeks beginning to join his ears in a pretty shade of pink.

"OK, OK!" Prompto decides to drop the subject for now… But the damage is done. 

He _knows._

And after watching the two of them together for another couple of months - right up to the end of August and Noctis' birthday - he knows the perfect gift to give the Prince, too: as a little helpful shove in the right direction.

"What… the hell…?!" 

Noctis' reaction to the gift is just priceless. Prompto had given it to him the day before the birthday itself, while they were hanging out alone at Noctis' apartment.

"I saw it and immediately thought of you," Prompto croons, taking the item from Noctis' hands and placing it lovingly on the coffee table with a grin - making sure its front faces his friend, giving him a proper eyeful of all its glory. "You're lucky I follow this girl's work - she's super talented at pottery, right?" 

"I…" Noctis swallows, frowning, and pokes the mug gingerly with his index finger - unintentionally sliding it back half an inch on the glass. "Where the hell am I supposed to put this?!" 

"In the kitchen," Prompto shrugs, "so you can use it. I'm gonna be personally offended if you don't."

"...You're a sadist, you know that?" Noctis narrows his eyes, reaching across to pull the mug a little closer again.

"Like to think of myself more as a cupid," Prompto grins, lightly knocking his arm against his friend's.

"The hell do you figure that one out?" Noctis traces his finger down the mug, from its rim to its highly sculptured base, pausing just before the bottom; strangely enough, the longer he stares, the less shocking the design seems to become. 

Until Prompto's next admission, that is.

"Cos you know who this beauty's modelled after?" the blonde winks, taking Noctis' hand in his own and forcing him to continue stroking downwards, Noctis' fingertip touching softly against the generously sized appendage at the mug's base. "The title of the work is the 'Shield Edition'."

Noctis chokes on nothing.

"Lemme know how accurate it is later, OK? I know you're dying to find out yourself," Prompto stifles a laugh, releasing Noctis' hand and rolling off the couch in one fluid motion - anticipating the cushion Noctis slams into where Prompto was just sitting a moment before.

"You--!"

"Remember, it's a gift!" Prompto can't hide his laughter now. "You've gotta cherish it!" 

Noctis groans, face completely red now, tearing his glare away from the other teen and back to the offending mug on the table.

Cherish it.

The mug, which Prompto had so lovingly picked out for him - the _Shield Edition_ mug - is a golden brown colour, mimicking a certain somebody's perfectly tanned skin… And the design on the front mimics his perfectly muscled naked physique, too: right down to the unsubtle erection standing proudly at the base of the vessel.

For his seventeenth birthday, Prompto had bought the Crown Prince of Insomnia a dick mug. 

A dick mug proudly modelled after his Shield - and his longtime crush.

"You're an idiot," Noctis growls, though he can't help but admit that knowing the item is meant to represent Gladio? It kind of makes Noctis just that little bit less averse to the idea of owning it.

"But you love me," Prompto grins, still sprawled out on the floor.

He pauses for dramatic effect.

"...Just not as much as you'd love to tap that thing in real life though, am I right?" 

This time, the cushion Noctis throws at his friend doesn't miss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy birthday, Noct. 🤣


	2. Undeniable Crack

It doesn't take long for Noctis to get used to using his new mug - because if there's anything Gladio's taught him, aside from how to fight, it's that confidence is key: do everything proudly and no-one can give you shit for it. And he's already promised Prompto he's not going to throw the thing away, so that doesn't leave him with much choice otherwise.

"...Noct?" Ignis calls over his shoulder, pausing in his washing up as he lifts the unfamiliar mug from the sink.

"Yeah?" the Prince lazily calls back, slouching in his pyjamas on the sofa, idly playing on his phone.

Ignis frowns, unsure how he should broach the subject.

The pause is long enough for Noctis to understand what's going on and he flicks his eyes upwards towards his advisor, watching for his reaction.

"It's a gift from Prom," Noctis states nonchalantly. "Be a waste not to use it."

"...Right. Of course."

Ignis resumes his washing up, wondering what on Eos inspired the other teen to gift their Prince a dick mug. He decides to confront Prompto about it the next time they catch a private moment together.

Best not to come across as too much of a prude right now, though.

"It's very… exquisitely detailed," Ignis searches for an appropriate compliment, trying not to pay too much mind to the need to scrub soapy bubbles into the crevices in between the dick and its balls.

Noctis hums in agreement, attention back on his game, and comments absentmindedly, "It's modelled after someone pretty exquisite, too." 

Ignis quirks an eyebrow, not sure whether he was supposed to hear that or not, then exhales softly in resignation.

He mentally adds the statement to his list of questions for Prompto later on.

\----------

"Got enough left in you for another round?" Gladio purrs, catching Noctis' gaze and holding it steady, their faces mere inches apart as the younger man lays beneath him, lightly panting.

"Iggy's waiting," Noctis murmurs in reply, letting his breath caress the other's lips. 

"Then we'll make it a quick one," Gladio smirks. "Hard and fast, just how you like it."

Noctis scoffs, wrapping his fingers around one of Gladio's arms, subtly tracing his thumb over the muscles.

"You really know how to flip my switch, don't you..."

"Feeling turned on again?" Gladio hums, leaning back on his haunches and heaving Noctis up with him. 

"Turned on and ready to go," the Prince nods, licking his lips in anticipation.

"Then let's go already," Gladio stands now, hand out in invitation. Noctis grabs it. 

"Let's give Iggy a good show while he waits," Noctis grins.

"Such an exhibitionist," Gladio growls coyly.

The two finally break apart, Noctis picking up his training sword from where it had fallen to the ground, and they steady themselves in their stances opposite each other once more. 

Ignis leans against the wall, watching the whole exchange in a state of bemused surprise - because if that isn't flirting, he doesn’t know what is.

According to Prompto, Noctis has been nursing a giant crush on his Shield for months, if not years… And the dick mug was the blonde's subtle dig at the Prince to just go ahead and _do_ something about it already - because it was plain as day that the Prince was kind of begging for Gladio to just do _him_ already.

Ignis has never really paid much attention to their interactions before - they used to hate each other's guts, now they don't, that was good enough for him to know - but now that he watches a little more closely, Ignis finds that he can't help but agree with Prompto.

Those two are definitely into each other. 

Into each other _bad._

So why aren't they doing anything beyond the not-so-subtle flirting? Are they worried that they need permission? That they would be breaking protocol? 

"Going down on me already, Princess?" Gladio's loud voice taunts from across the hall.

"In your dreams," Noctis grunts back, catching his footing before he stumbles over and onto the floor. 

"Maybe it is," Gladio attacks again with a smirk. 

Ignis clicks his tongue. What a pair of idiots.

\----------

The next week, Ignis gives Gladio a gift of his own, following Prompto's lead. 

"What's the occasion?" Gladio hums, accepting the box with a confused smile as they sit in the car together; Ignis is dropping Gladio off at Noctis' apartment for the night since they have an early start planned for tomorrow.

"Well, I realised I was yet to formally congratulate you upon officially joining the Crownsguard," Ignis adjusts his glasses, waiting for Gladio to open the package. 

"Didn't know it was something worth celebrating," Gladio undoes the cardboard flaps with care, the box resting on his lap. 

"Hmm.. Let's just say it is," Ignis murmurs. Watching. 

Gladio takes out the gift. 

It's a mug. 

Creamy porcelain and smoothly chiselled to perfection.

"Er…" Gladio raises an eyebrow, slightly concerned. "This is from _you?"_

"The important thing is it's _for_ you," Ignis clarifies, folding his arms. "I procured it from the same establishment whereby Noct came to own its matching pair."

"Noct… has one just like this?" Gladio frowns a little deeper, unable to tear his eyes away from the item cupped in his hands. 

"Not exactly," Ignis smiles. "A _matching_ pair. I thought perhaps you could keep yours for use at his apartment, especially when you stay overnight." Ignis pats Gladio lightly on the shoulder. "I assumed it might be a little much to expect you to keep it at home."

"Damn right it is," Gladio laughs under his breath.

He uses both thumbs to trace over the mug's shiny contours. 

"Well, thanks, Iggy. I guess."

"The pleasure's all mine," Ignis nods.

Gladio moves to climb out of the car and Ignis calls after him, leaning forwards on the steering wheel. 

"One more thing you should probably know," Ignis smiles wryly. "The mug you possess has a title… It's called the 'Prince Edition'. Make of that what you will." 

\----------

It's not until he actually takes the mug up to Noctis' apartment, searching for its partner, that Gladio fully gets the meaning behind why he was given it.

While his own mug is a pale skin tone, like moonlight glowing in a cloudless sky, Noctis' mug is a pleasant golden tan, warm like sand. Both share carefully sculpted muscles - smooth curves seductively gleaming - but while Noctis' larger, deeper coloured mug portrays a well-defined six-pack and fully erect cock, the one in Gladio's possession is slightly smaller in comparison… And it depicts not the front, but a sensually arching back and rounded, pert-looking ass.

A matching pair, indeed.

So if Gladio owns the Prince Edition, what the hell did that make the one belonging to Noctis named?

He calls Noctis over.

"Er…" Noctis stands beside him now, determined not to show any embarrassment. 

Gladio places the mugs on the countertop, both facing forwards.

"They compliment each other well, don't ya think," the older man casually strokes at his jaw. 

"Yeah… They look good together."

"Apparently mine's called the Prince Edition," Gladio reaches down to stroke the length of the mug's height, his finger running smoothly from the rim, down the spine, and tracing teasingly round the curve of one buttock. "Yours got a title, too?" 

Noctis holds back a smile.

"...Shield Edition."

"Go figure," Gladio rumbles, maybe a little pleased sounding, taking half a step back to get another good look at the pair.

Then he turns around, leaving the kitchen with a confident stride.

Confused, Noctis twists on the spot to follow him with his gaze, watching as Gladio returns moments later with a permanent marker in hand. He passes the pen to Noctis.

"It's missing an important detail, then," Gladio hums, rolling his top off over his head and chucking it across the room to half land over the back of a chair.

It's not like Noctis doesn't see Gladio topless often enough already, but it's a sight he can never become bored of. He doesn't even bother to hide the fact he's staring.

"See?" Gladio takes the hand Noctis is holding the pen with and touches the cap just above his naked left nipple. "I'll model for ya, so why not complete the picture properly?" 

Noctis licks his lips, allowing himself to be guided into slowly tracing the closed marker over the tattooed eagle on Gladio's pec.

"...Sure."

They're silent as Noctis turns to lay the mug flat on the counter, carefully copying the inked outline on Gladio's chest. Fortunately, Noctis is a good artist and the end result is enviably precise. 

Gladio smirks, satisfied.

"...Better?" Noctis quips, replacing the pen lid with a smirk of his own.

"It'll do. At least the chest is more accurate now."

"You're saying another part isn't?" Noctis can't resist.

"It's a little small, but what can you do?" Gladio hums in response. "Want me to show you that, too?" He hooks a thumb into his waistband. "For reference?" 

Noctis' eyes flicker down at the sight before dragging themselves back up to Gladio's face. Hand still resting on the counter, the Prince moves it to clutch lightly at the Shield Edition mug, rubbing his thumb teasingly up and down the length of its erect cock - maintaining eye contact the whole time.

"The real thing's bigger?" 

He sees Gladio's eyes dart across before meeting his own again.

"Much bigger."

"And you can get it up to show me?" 

"With a little motivation," Gladio unhooks his thumb and stretches to twist the mug away from Noctis' grasp, so it faces the Prince Edition mug instead. Then he twists that one, too, pushing them so their designs clink together, dick against ass.

Noctis blushes.

Gladio is implying he wants to see his ass? Or is this still just mock flirting? 

They're not going to stop? 

The older man laughs, a deep breathy rumble.

"Feeling thirsty, Noct? Cos you look it."

Gladio reaches up to pat Noctis on the cheek with the back of his hand.

"Let's put these mugs to good use before we settle down for the night," Gladio purrs. "Coffee's fine, yeah? I'll make yours _extra_ creamy."

Noctis shoves Gladio's hand away with a smirk.

"Fill me up, then," he huffs, then saunters over to sprawl himself out on the sofa, picking up the remote en route and switching the TV on for background noise.

Gladio joins the Prince not long after, passing him the newly decorated Shield mug, his own Prince Edition comfortably in hand.

They share a hot drink while watching mindless entertainment, relaxed and content in the other's company.

Gladio is still shirtless. 

\----------

The next time Ignis visits the Prince's apartment, he finds the two mugs upside-down on the drying rack by the sink. He takes it as a good sign - the fact they were used together (not to mention the added markings) - placing them carefully on the countertop next to the kettle, deciding that should be a good place to keep them.

Noctis notices them there the following morning and smirks at the sight. He adjusts them to face outwards, admiring the way they compliment each other, and the now undeniable inspiration behind the Shield Edition - its tattooed eagle design proudly contrasting against the rippling abs.

Prompto is next to visit, excited to see the new porcelain addition to Noctis' kitchen. He immediately recognises it as the Prince Edition ("Man, they did a good job capturing your cute ass!") and is positively gleeful to discover the custom detailing added to the original Shield mug. It's most definitely a good sign of some kind of progress, right? 

When Gladio is at the apartment next, he's pleasantly surprised to find the mugs on display beside each other. He's just there to collect Noctis, not to stay, so he turns the mugs to face each other - comfortably clinking together - before fetching the Prince from his bedroom.

Noctis returns home that evening to find them like that - dick pressed against ass - and blushes despite himself. Had he done that by accident? Subconsciously? He twists them apart to face front on again, so he can get a good look at the Shield Edition's impeccable design.

Much better.

And then it becomes a kind of game: every so often, Noctis comes into the kitchen to find the mugs suggestively pressed together, and it takes him a while to realise it isn't him suffering from memory loss, but _someone_ is putting them like that on purpose. He fixes their position every time, and every time they end up back again. 

Then one day, he finds them missing from the kitchen counter and in the centre of the table instead - pressed together, erect dick flush against pale ass. 

Noctis smirks, because he definitely left them next to the kettle and the only person who's been in his apartment since is Gladio. 

He puts them back next to the kettle.

Then the game evolves, so every time Gladio visits, Noctis knows he'll find those mugs pressed together in some other location: on the window sill, the coffee table, the sofa, the bed, the bathtub... Neither mention it, but they both clearly know what's going on.

It's juvenile, but it's fun. 

Eventually, Noctis returns the mugs to their place beside the kettle - but this time, he faces them together, dick touching ass. 

And this time, the game ends and that's how the mugs always end up after use. 

Ignis plays along, placing them there opposite each other once clean and dry - but Noctis is always the one to complete the arrangement, gently clinking them so they nestle perfectly together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let it be known that Ellohria is not only the inspiration but the instigator for this whole thing... Which has now turned into a fully blown Dick mug!AU, thanks to crazy late night conversations. 😭😂
> 
> More to be added as co-writers later. LOL.


End file.
